I know that I am stronger than i give myself credit for. I know im smarter and prettier too. Y cant i see it. Y do i see the trash that no one wanted. that no one loved. the trash that as left to blow in the wind and make its own way. Im the trash that found some compassion only to have that ripped away from me. I SWORE to be a better mother than mine. and i am. I was. so y do i feel like a failure? I didnt fucking ask to be born with mental problems any more than Rasheeda did. She is not trash...she is my reason for living. but what do u do when the reason u are doing something does not matter anymore? I dont matter to her, just her friends. I feel so trapped in the middle of my life and i dont know how to get out. like one of those guys whos boat capsized and they are living on their raft with sharks swimming all around. I SO want to get out and just let the sharks eat me but I am SO AFRAID OF MY LORD that i can not bring myself to kill myself. I swear thats the only reason. those who would miss me would move on.....except my husband. and what if i did kill myself, would Rasheeda care? would she blame her self and get worse or get better? im not willing to make that sacrifice to find out. I HATE JOSEPH ALVIN SPELLER JR with every fiber of my being. i was too busy looking for love to realize his drug habit was going to be more important that she and i ever were so i left. i did the right thing. homeless, prostituting, stealing, i provided for my child the best i could.i am so tired of living behind the lies of my family. i was molested and she cared more about her marriage than me. hows that for MOTHER OF THE FUCKING YEAR! belittle me and make me feel like shit my whole life and then wonder y i never amounted to shit. thanks MA!