Last night

What a night. So my baby runs away again. The foster parent called me...and laid me out...accused me of telling Rasheeda to run away. She confirmed that she tolds the agency I convinced her to run away. I have had it with this woman. I can't wait til I have a chance to clear my name. I never told her to run away. Hell she ran away from me but I have mental issues and I have and I don't know what I'm doing. Yes I got some but I ain't fucking stupid. So NOONE knows where my child has run to and they blame me....go figure. I know she is sage cuz she told me so.

pissed off and in pain......

so I spent ALL day in court YESTERDAY to find out im INDITED on both cases.......Y????? i reached out and asked for help in this case and the state is trying to fry me. Im a good parent. I want what is best for my child and WILL not allow her to do what she wants. HOW AM I WRONG FOR THAT? Sooooo...she runs away last night and shows up at my door @3am. i called the foster parent @1 am when Rasheeda told me she was coming home cuz she was tired of the lady yelling at her. I was sleep and it took me a min to react but I told her to go back and i would talk to the agency in the morning. she came home anyway. I was up talking to Aziza and CeeCee cuz if she came home i tracked the bus and didnt know if she had gone back or was on her way here. she was using some boys phone. how was i to know what he would do to her.
As soon as she got here i fed her and called the fosterparent to let her know that Rasheeda was here, the police were still outside her house but told her that they were not coming to ease baltimore to get here and that she(the fosterparent) needed to come get her. this chick had the nerve to say i have to be to work @5. I was sleep and now my child is missing again. the last time she saw her was 11pm. what the fuck were u doing? i talked to my baby and told her that this would get me in trouble and the fosterparent too. I never told her to come home...the fosterparent put it in her head by saying hat if she needed to talk to her mother so much she should be home. I was talking to Rasheeda 850. she said Mommi i gotta pee can u call me back at 9. the fosterparent does not have long distance on her homephone(go figure) and Rasheeda cant call me. when I called back the fosterparent said in a VERY snide way taht she was on her phone and call back tomorrow. MAD what could i do...i dont pay her phone bill. funny thing is it was tomorrow @1am when i had to call her and tell her where to find MY child that she has physical custody of.
Rasheeda expressed some concerns @out last visit to the agency rep and the social worker to which the agency worker had words with the fosterparent according to Rasheeda. they had to deal with fairness in the home as well as such as the child who lives there has MORE favor from his mom. I said nothing while Rasheeda expressed her self because in my mind i was really thinking so now u see the grass is not always greener on that other side. moms spoil their children but they discipline them as well as Rasheeda stated their punishments were different.
WELL....i PROMISED to call Rasheeda twice a day to check on her because she is depressed without being on ANY medication for the last month or so. her emotions are everywhere and she told me out her mouth she needed her meds. she ants to come home and understands to some degree that the grass u get is sometimes better at home. No i dont think she gets it COMPLETLY but wants to come home. that says something to my CHILD ABUSE case. what abuse child wnats to go back to their abuser? the funny thing is yesterday i had a convo with CeeCee where i had to acknowledge that I care more for my abuser than my own mother. he came and got me out of a shelter and helped me get on my feet while she did nothing. I have forgiven Melvin YEARS ago. no this does not mean were going to havea father daughter relationship but I forgave him. I had to heal. Its just so much harder with my "MOTHER". I forgave her on FB today for all who talk to her and POST back lol im done. she is a NONFUCKINGFACTOR in my life. I forgive her because if i dont it will cause me and my baby to have the same relationship. I would DIE FIRST!. ok sounds good but stress will make u do some wild shit. I cant even call my baby now. they will call the police on me. BE FOR REAL. I told u every step of the way what was going down and u shut me out. NOONE knows my child better than me. I spoiled her a certain way and YES it kicks me in my ass but i understand her. Pookie doesent but I DO! I raised her a certain way because of all my shit and drama growing up. i understand that i loss control but this is rock bottom...and they wont let us come up. im probably gonna forward this to my therapist...some body needs to pay her triple with all my shit going on. I am in controlof nothing and thats a problem for me. this is my child. im not abusive. never have been i was achild of abuse. HELL I read David Peltzers a child called it. I have seen the movie about the worst case of child abuse in Illinois. THAT AINT ME.

its not my fault if i enforce rules and she doesnt want to follow them. shes a teen. these are the trials and tribulations of having a teen. look at all the ppl who have losth their children or who cant have kids. this shit is a slap in the face after i have BEGGED for help from the state. oh well help u they say BUT for tax purposes we are gonna charge u with neglect and generate some new revenue into our state. since i wouldnt do it they figured another angle. fucking REPUBLICANS like the chick who birthed me. piss on the little man and find any reason to stand behind it. yall are the WORST gang in america!!!!!!

I cant talk to my child. I can get through this. I have to to continue to prove the point that I an a better mother than she could be. what does she know about raising a girl. I was in fostercare. she half ass knows how to raise a boy. she no longer gets my power. just like when my baby was birn and she called her her own. NOPE i laied for her and bear the scar. that scar is like a triple bypass scar for a heart patient. its a NEW BEGINNING. thats Rasheeda is . a New beginning to a very bad cycle within my blood line. I understand what she did and why she did it and what she expected. she says this is all too much for her and she doesnot want me in jail. can u imagine the pain i hear in my babys voice. its heartbreaking!

Trial Date: 07/28/2011Trial Time:01:00 PM Trial Type: FELONY DISMISSAL DATE Trial Location:1400 E. NORTH AVE BALTIMORE 21213-1400

THIS IS THE LETTER SHE WROTE ABOUT ME.......dont send things to my FRIENDS!!!!
Greetings,

So, I’ve really contemplated about sending this. In the end, I am sending because I feel I need to. I am sending this to 5 people, all but 1 of you have known Rasheeda since before her birth. Please don’t feel compelled to reply, I am not seeking judgment for/from anyone nor am I gathering a “ posse” . I love Rasheeda.
May 30st Rasheeda informed me she had been beaten by an 18yr old female at the insistence of , direction of and in the presence of her mother, Kiki. ( in 'emails from daughter', it is the last email) Yes, Kiki stood there while Rasheeda was brutally beaten. I called 911 to no avail. The next day I took Rasheeda to the CPS offices. Here, she told her story and added her mother GAVE her “weed” to smoke. She was committed to foster care that afternoon and taken to JHH emergency room for her injuries. As you may recall I had custody of Rasheeda when she was 4yrs old when her mother lost custody. Because my name was in the system 24 yrs ago she could not be placed with me. If you are wondering why 10 yrs ago and not now, the law changed 10 weeks ago. Any history with CPS disqualifies you.

In a placement hearing June 2nd Kiki stated she feared for Rasheeda’s life with me, I didn’t really know Rasheeda, I spent no time with her and she’d trust the foster care system over me.

Kiki was charged with 2nd degree assault and 2nd degree child abuse the next day. She went to court on the 28th NOT about Rasheeda but for her preliminary hearing, the link is included. She was NOT there for Rasheeda at all. Her trial is July 28th. THAT’S why she is in foster care, her mother was charged again, with abuse.

This Tuesday July 12, 2011 we return to court for Rasheeda. I drained my savings and retained an attorney. Rasheeda is doing well, very well. She is already off many of the mind/body mood altering drugs her mother had her own. You all know Kiki has never worked, the only income they had for years was the disability check for Rasheeda. Well, she’s not as disabled as you’ve been told. There are many challenges ahead of her, and I am there! Was it my plan to raise a 14yr old? Absolutely not, Smitty is 30!! Have I always known this day was coming.. I would have to say yes.

If you are still reading, thank you for your friendship, support, love, and well wishes for her and me. Although Rasheeda clearly has some responsibilities in her life, l she is not the monster devil child even she herself has been told she is.

Keep us in your prayers...all of us.

Wajeeha



KiKi's case http://casesearch.courts.state.md.us/inquiry/inquiryDetail.jis?caseId=3B02113254&loc=3&detailLoc=DSCR

LOOKS LIKE THE ARE GOING TO DISMISS IT TO ME!!!!

Sitting in the rain

I am sitting out front, on the porch watching it rain. I miss Rasheeda but this is not about her :)
This is about my wonderful husband. Allah has truly blessed me with a good man! I am one of urge most important things in his life and I am so grateful for him. He has put up worth A LOT from me and my family in the last 8 years.he could have left many times and said I'm done with this crazyness but he has stayed and been my support! There is NO man I have dated that has been like Tim. None! Everyone has their breaking point and I'm so grateful wed are working on us before he reaches his.

letter to the BITCH

show details 04/22/2010
I have been waiting for almost a month for you to reach out to me. with everything that I am going through with Rasheeda I knew i could count on one person to understand because they had been through it as well. I was wrong. again. u are my mother and I love u but the reality is that u are just the woman who gave me life. we have never had a mother daughter relationship. I harbor so many ill feelings towards you that it hurts me. I have made it my lifes mission to be a better mother than u were and I FAILED! I gave her all the things I wanted from you and it made no difference. it almost feels like u are praying for me to go through this because of all the problems I had growing up. did u ever stop to ask ur self Y i acted the way I did or did u just not care.
as I approach 34 I know in my heart that for the last 24 years u have never acknowledged honestly that Melvin molested me. Well he did instead of helping me with my french homework. and of all the things in the world that hurts me the most. I am so paranoid behind it. and IT is the reason I have never bothered to have a relationship with him except for when i was in the shelter. and before he did it there was rita the babysitter and anita melvins niece. i had reasons to act out there was something WRONG! I can remember talking to on the phone and lying to ms ringgold about the two boys in the vestibule. now heres the kicker I was raped by my brother tommie and since i was already pregnant there was no harm done as he said.who could i tell? u didn't beleive me about mel. Now Tommie is doing 40 yrs for doing the same thing to someone else. i am traumatized by my own life. what did i do that was so wrong for no one to love me. to treat me like crap. I can remember fights u and mel had. this shit haunts my dreams as what I thought was blocked out is coming back. it all comes back as i go crazier. I can remember the look on ur face when the dr said I was pregnant and even the look of relief after my abortion. I am still hurting behind that did u know that. no one does cuz im the village idiot with no sense. for years I listened to u and smitty make jokes, I laughed but i was hurting. I did not ask to be born or to suffer from depression that was from the drugs yall did before i was conceived. i am tired of being the butt of jokes. foster care screwed me up. u have NO IDEA of the things i went through. I hate my life and wish you had not have had me. that u had had that abortion u used to talk about u should have had. growing up knowing that u despised me was FUN! cursing me out and then saying ur sorry, even more fun. when u got better with ur 12 steps what about us? what about me. Im not better . Im not healed. where are the steps for all the crap I have had to endure?

the first step for me to to say goodbye to eveyone who has cause me pain, mommi I love u but i cant have u be a part of my life because it hurts too much. my daughter is going into a group home in a few weeks and whats the point of being married, there is not one person in my family who is married and working things out so y should i. I give up! the devil has won.

It is finished





Is it ODD or ...GOD? U decide!
Get in where you fit in!!!!
www.mskiki520.blogspot.com

sucidal and missing my daughter

i am sitting her contemplating taking my life. I am so tired of living. Im tired of trying. Im tired of caring. I have spent my whole life trying to make shit better for me and mine. i know that the devil is working against me but i feel weak and ready to give in. i have lost everything that matters to me. my child is in foster care. she is my WHOLE reason for living. i have done every thing i could to be a good mother. i am a good mother. i tried too hard and i fucked up. i see that now. my own mother is the worst bitch in the world. i hate her with every thing that is in me. she is the reason i go through what i do. CALL ON GOD they say....I DO!!!!!!!!! i get down on my knees and beg him to help me. i did not ask for the things that i have had to endure in this life Im just so ready for it to be over. my marriage is a joke. he doesnt understand what i feel no matter what he says. he doesnt understand. he has NO family values. his family is SHIT!!!!!!!!
all i ever wanted was to be happy.thats it. I dont ask for more than i think i deserve. im ready to die. i have NOTHING left to live for . nothing to fight for. thats what i really feel. how can a mother hate her child so much that she intentionally interferes with their life. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO FOR HER TO HATE ME AND Y CANT I HEAL??????? im almost 35 and im still dealing with this shit. all of it. every time i forgive she does something to fuck that up. Now she has RUINED my relationship with my daughter. there is nothing left.


I dont want to go to hell. thats the ONLY reason i wont kill myself.

today

My therapist told me to start using my blog since I journal. Been going it since I was a kid. Kinda makes sense to me so.......lets see how this goes. I am having an Ok day at the moment.....

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