11/2/13

What Would You Do?: Anti-Muslim Harassment

http://www.youtube.com/v/_hHUQ0Lp6v4?version=3&autohide=1&feature=share&autohide=1&attribution_tag=xBTzkoFS2zqQb8ghdpQDww&showinfo=1&autoplay=1

8/28/12

all we do is argue scream and curse at each other...whats the pointy of being together. love is not enough anymore. if i make u feel like that and u make me wanna DIE then y are we still punishing each other. i feel like everything is my fault. u name it it can be blamed on me. im sorry i dont have more faith in you but u dont really give me a reason to. i have been waiting YEARS for u to do the simplest shit...i dont listen to u, u say....U DONT LISTEN TO ME! i feel so alone in the world. i have nothing. my child is gone, my mother, my whole family and now this! i dont feel liketheres anything worth fighting for anymore. i keep putting in this face everyday but no one gets to see how i really look cause when they do they say why do u look like that......CUZ ITS HOW I FEEL! 

6/27/12







I know that I am stronger than i give myself credit for. I know im smarter and prettier too. Y cant i see it. Y do i see the trash that no one wanted. that no one loved. the trash that as left to blow in the wind and make its own way. Im the trash that found some compassion only to have that ripped away from me. I SWORE to be a better mother than mine. and i am. I was. so y do i feel like a failure? I didnt fucking ask to be born with mental problems any more than Rasheeda did. She is not trash...she is my reason for living. but what do u do when the reason u are doing something does not matter anymore? I dont matter to her, just her friends. I feel so trapped in the middle of my life and i dont know how to get out. like one of those guys whos boat capsized and they are living on their raft with sharks swimming all around. I SO want to get out and just let the sharks eat me but I am SO AFRAID OF MY LORD that i can not bring myself to kill myself. I swear thats the only reason. those who would miss me would move on.....except my husband. and what if i did kill myself, would Rasheeda care? would she blame her self and get worse or get better? im not willing to make that sacrifice to find out. I HATE JOSEPH ALVIN SPELLER JR with every fiber of my being. i was too busy looking for love to realize his drug habit was going to be more important that she and i ever were so i left. i did the right thing. homeless, prostituting, stealing, i provided for my child the best i could.i am so tired of living behind the lies of my family. i was molested and she cared more about her marriage than me. hows that for MOTHER OF THE FUCKING YEAR! belittle me and make me feel like shit my whole life and then wonder y i never amounted to shit. thanks MA!

5/20/12

the tears should start any moment now....Rasheeda has been on the run for almost a month now. TODAY IS HER 15th BIRTHDAY i have done all I could to be the best mother she could have and nothing is ever good enough for her. she would rather run the streets with her friends than to follow any kind of rules. i know i was a bit of a wild child but the the things she is doing...i had a lot more respect for myself , for a kid with low self esteem. Now shes in a gang....YA ALLAH what am i going to do. i cant lose my only child. i mean i can because u are LORD but i would lose my mind.what is my purpose in life if its not to be a mother to Rasheeda.
2 days old
i feel like i have fucked up everything in my life. i know that i havent and that its other ppl who dictate their time in my life.i KNOW i am stronger than i give my self credit for but it hurts soooo bad and i cant stop crying. i know i need to go back on my medication because im snapping at everyone and everything irks the hell out of me. I HAVE BEEN BEGGING THEM FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS FOR HELP! I AINT GOT IT YET! we have been in therapy, and on medication FOREVER. i have taken classes...i have done everything within my power to help my child.
She has had a hand in pushing family members away. i feel so alone in this world because EVERYONE thought i was making a bigger issue out of Rasheedas issues than there really was. Mind u there wasnt really any help to be given but LOTS of opinions. OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES EVERYONE HAS ONE AND ITS USUALLY FULL OF SHIT! Who would have thunk 15 years ago today we would be going through what we are going through
They all look innocent when they are younger. she has fallen in with a bad crowd....she no longer values anything she was taught
She went from being a good student to FAILING again.....but she wants to be a lawyer.....im scared shes going to need a lawyer...
Shes NO LONGER our little girl... NO LONGER MY BABY GIRL
the tears wont stop.......I LOVE YOU DOODLE HAPPY 15TH BIRTHDAY I PRAY ALLAH RETURNS YOUR HEART TO HIM IN A HURRY TO SAVE YOU FROM YOUR SLEF!
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU A U GAVE ME A REASON TO LIVE AND GROW AND GROW UP! THANK YOU ALLAH FOR MAKING ME HER MOTHER!

4/5/12

I am so emotionally tired. Im really sick of being in this life. it really seems as if nothing is ever going to get better. I ask for help and i beg for help. I HATE my daughter! i dont want to be her mother anymore and i dont want to be his wife. i just want to die and sit with ALLAH and cry at his feet for MERCY! my whole life has been a JOKE! i hate my parents for NOT LOVING ME and i hate myself for loving my daughter. EVERYONE i have ever loved has hurt me. Y, whats wrong with me that no one can love me. this will be my last year. im going to join my father!

7/31/11

Last night

What a night. So my baby runs away again. The foster parent called me...and laid me out...accused me of telling Rasheeda to run away. She confirmed that she tolds the agency I convinced her to run away. I have had it with this woman. I can't wait til I have a chance to clear my name. I never told her to run away. Hell she ran away from me but I have mental issues and I have and I don't know what I'm doing. Yes I got some but I ain't fucking stupid. So NOONE knows where my child has run to and they blame me....go figure. I know she is sage cuz she told me so.

7/28/11

pissed off and in pain......



so I spent ALL day in court YESTERDAY to find out im INDITED on both cases.......Y????? i reached out and asked for help in this case and the state is trying to fry me. Im a good parent. I want what is best for my child and WILL not allow her to do what she wants. HOW AM I WRONG FOR THAT? Sooooo...she runs away last night and shows up at my door @3am. i called the foster parent @1 am when Rasheeda told me she was coming home cuz she was tired of the lady yelling at her. I was sleep and it took me a min to react but I told her to go back and i would talk to the agency in the morning. she came home anyway. I was up talking to Aziza and CeeCee cuz if she came home i tracked the bus and didnt know if she had gone back or was on her way here. she was using some boys phone. how was i to know what he would do to her.
As soon as she got here i fed her and called the fosterparent to let her know that Rasheeda was here, the police were still outside her house but told her that they were not coming to ease baltimore to get here and that she(the fosterparent) needed to come get her. this chick had the nerve to say i have to be to work @5. I was sleep and now my child is missing again. the last time she saw her was 11pm. what the fuck were u doing? i talked to my baby and told her that this would get me in trouble and the fosterparent too. I never told her to come home...the fosterparent put it in her head by saying hat if she needed to talk to her mother so much she should be home. I was talking to Rasheeda 850. she said Mommi i gotta pee can u call me back at 9. the fosterparent does not have long distance on her homephone(go figure) and Rasheeda cant call me. when I called back the fosterparent said in a VERY snide way taht she was on her phone and call back tomorrow. MAD what could i do...i dont pay her phone bill. funny thing is it was tomorrow @1am when i had to call her and tell her where to find MY child that she has physical custody of.
Rasheeda expressed some concerns @out last visit to the agency rep and the social worker to which the agency worker had words with the fosterparent according to Rasheeda. they had to deal with fairness in the home as well as such as the child who lives there has MORE favor from his mom. I said nothing while Rasheeda expressed her self because in my mind i was really thinking so now u see the grass is not always greener on that other side. moms spoil their children but they discipline them as well as Rasheeda stated their punishments were different.
WELL....i PROMISED to call Rasheeda twice a day to check on her because she is depressed without being on ANY medication for the last month or so. her emotions are everywhere and she told me out her mouth she needed her meds. she ants to come home and understands to some degree that the grass u get is sometimes better at home. No i dont think she gets it COMPLETLY but wants to come home. that says something to my CHILD ABUSE case. what abuse child wnats to go back to their abuser? the funny thing is yesterday i had a convo with CeeCee where i had to acknowledge that I care more for my abuser than my own mother. he came and got me out of a shelter and helped me get on my feet while she did nothing. I have forgiven Melvin YEARS ago. no this does not mean were going to havea father daughter relationship but I forgave him. I had to heal. Its just so much harder with my "MOTHER". I forgave her on FB today for all who talk to her and POST back lol im done. she is a NONFUCKINGFACTOR in my life. I forgive her because if i dont it will cause me and my baby to have the same relationship. I would DIE FIRST!. ok sounds good but stress will make u do some wild shit. I cant even call my baby now. they will call the police on me. BE FOR REAL. I told u every step of the way what was going down and u shut me out. NOONE knows my child better than me. I spoiled her a certain way and YES it kicks me in my ass but i understand her. Pookie doesent but I DO! I raised her a certain way because of all my shit and drama growing up. i understand that i loss control but this is rock bottom...and they wont let us come up. im probably gonna forward this to my therapist...some body needs to pay her triple with all my shit going on. I am in controlof nothing and thats a problem for me. this is my child. im not abusive. never have been i was achild of abuse. HELL I read David Peltzers a child called it. I have seen the movie about the worst case of child abuse in Illinois. THAT AINT ME.

its not my fault if i enforce rules and she doesnt want to follow them. shes a teen. these are the trials and tribulations of having a teen. look at all the ppl who have losth their children or who cant have kids. this shit is a slap in the face after i have BEGGED for help from the state. oh well help u they say BUT for tax purposes we are gonna charge u with neglect and generate some new revenue into our state. since i wouldnt do it they figured another angle. fucking REPUBLICANS like the chick who birthed me. piss on the little man and find any reason to stand behind it. yall are the WORST gang in america!!!!!!

I cant talk to my child. I can get through this. I have to to continue to prove the point that I an a better mother than she could be. what does she know about raising a girl. I was in fostercare. she half ass knows how to raise a boy. she no longer gets my power. just like when my baby was birn and she called her her own. NOPE i laied for her and bear the scar. that scar is like a triple bypass scar for a heart patient. its a NEW BEGINNING. thats Rasheeda is . a New beginning to a very bad cycle within my blood line. I understand what she did and why she did it and what she expected. she says this is all too much for her and she doesnot want me in jail. can u imagine the pain i hear in my babys voice. its heartbreaking!