pissed off and in pain......

so I spent ALL day in court YESTERDAY to find out im INDITED on both cases.......Y????? i reached out and asked for help in this case and the state is trying to fry me. Im a good parent. I want what is best for my child and WILL not allow her to do what she wants. HOW AM I WRONG FOR THAT? Sooooo...she runs away last night and shows up at my door @3am. i called the foster parent @1 am when Rasheeda told me she was coming home cuz she was tired of the lady yelling at her. I was sleep and it took me a min to react but I told her to go back and i would talk to the agency in the morning. she came home anyway. I was up talking to Aziza and CeeCee cuz if she came home i tracked the bus and didnt know if she had gone back or was on her way here. she was using some boys phone. how was i to know what he would do to her.
As soon as she got here i fed her and called the fosterparent to let her know that Rasheeda was here, the police were still outside her house but told her that they were not coming to ease baltimore to get here and that she(the fosterparent) needed to come get her. this chick had the nerve to say i have to be to work @5. I was sleep and now my child is missing again. the last time she saw her was 11pm. what the fuck were u doing? i talked to my baby and told her that this would get me in trouble and the fosterparent too. I never told her to come home...the fosterparent put it in her head by saying hat if she needed to talk to her mother so much she should be home. I was talking to Rasheeda 850. she said Mommi i gotta pee can u call me back at 9. the fosterparent does not have long distance on her homephone(go figure) and Rasheeda cant call me. when I called back the fosterparent said in a VERY snide way taht she was on her phone and call back tomorrow. MAD what could i do...i dont pay her phone bill. funny thing is it was tomorrow @1am when i had to call her and tell her where to find MY child that she has physical custody of.
Rasheeda expressed some concerns @out last visit to the agency rep and the social worker to which the agency worker had words with the fosterparent according to Rasheeda. they had to deal with fairness in the home as well as such as the child who lives there has MORE favor from his mom. I said nothing while Rasheeda expressed her self because in my mind i was really thinking so now u see the grass is not always greener on that other side. moms spoil their children but they discipline them as well as Rasheeda stated their punishments were different.
WELL....i PROMISED to call Rasheeda twice a day to check on her because she is depressed without being on ANY medication for the last month or so. her emotions are everywhere and she told me out her mouth she needed her meds. she ants to come home and understands to some degree that the grass u get is sometimes better at home. No i dont think she gets it COMPLETLY but wants to come home. that says something to my CHILD ABUSE case. what abuse child wnats to go back to their abuser? the funny thing is yesterday i had a convo with CeeCee where i had to acknowledge that I care more for my abuser than my own mother. he came and got me out of a shelter and helped me get on my feet while she did nothing. I have forgiven Melvin YEARS ago. no this does not mean were going to havea father daughter relationship but I forgave him. I had to heal. Its just so much harder with my "MOTHER". I forgave her on FB today for all who talk to her and POST back lol im done. she is a NONFUCKINGFACTOR in my life. I forgive her because if i dont it will cause me and my baby to have the same relationship. I would DIE FIRST!. ok sounds good but stress will make u do some wild shit. I cant even call my baby now. they will call the police on me. BE FOR REAL. I told u every step of the way what was going down and u shut me out. NOONE knows my child better than me. I spoiled her a certain way and YES it kicks me in my ass but i understand her. Pookie doesent but I DO! I raised her a certain way because of all my shit and drama growing up. i understand that i loss control but this is rock bottom...and they wont let us come up. im probably gonna forward this to my therapist...some body needs to pay her triple with all my shit going on. I am in controlof nothing and thats a problem for me. this is my child. im not abusive. never have been i was achild of abuse. HELL I read David Peltzers a child called it. I have seen the movie about the worst case of child abuse in Illinois. THAT AINT ME.

its not my fault if i enforce rules and she doesnt want to follow them. shes a teen. these are the trials and tribulations of having a teen. look at all the ppl who have losth their children or who cant have kids. this shit is a slap in the face after i have BEGGED for help from the state. oh well help u they say BUT for tax purposes we are gonna charge u with neglect and generate some new revenue into our state. since i wouldnt do it they figured another angle. fucking REPUBLICANS like the chick who birthed me. piss on the little man and find any reason to stand behind it. yall are the WORST gang in america!!!!!!

I cant talk to my child. I can get through this. I have to to continue to prove the point that I an a better mother than she could be. what does she know about raising a girl. I was in fostercare. she half ass knows how to raise a boy. she no longer gets my power. just like when my baby was birn and she called her her own. NOPE i laied for her and bear the scar. that scar is like a triple bypass scar for a heart patient. its a NEW BEGINNING. thats Rasheeda is . a New beginning to a very bad cycle within my blood line. I understand what she did and why she did it and what she expected. she says this is all too much for her and she doesnot want me in jail. can u imagine the pain i hear in my babys voice. its heartbreaking!