letter to the BITCH

show details 04/22/2010
I have been waiting for almost a month for you to reach out to me. with everything that I am going through with Rasheeda I knew i could count on one person to understand because they had been through it as well. I was wrong. again. u are my mother and I love u but the reality is that u are just the woman who gave me life. we have never had a mother daughter relationship. I harbor so many ill feelings towards you that it hurts me. I have made it my lifes mission to be a better mother than u were and I FAILED! I gave her all the things I wanted from you and it made no difference. it almost feels like u are praying for me to go through this because of all the problems I had growing up. did u ever stop to ask ur self Y i acted the way I did or did u just not care.
as I approach 34 I know in my heart that for the last 24 years u have never acknowledged honestly that Melvin molested me. Well he did instead of helping me with my french homework. and of all the things in the world that hurts me the most. I am so paranoid behind it. and IT is the reason I have never bothered to have a relationship with him except for when i was in the shelter. and before he did it there was rita the babysitter and anita melvins niece. i had reasons to act out there was something WRONG! I can remember talking to on the phone and lying to ms ringgold about the two boys in the vestibule. now heres the kicker I was raped by my brother tommie and since i was already pregnant there was no harm done as he said.who could i tell? u didn't beleive me about mel. Now Tommie is doing 40 yrs for doing the same thing to someone else. i am traumatized by my own life. what did i do that was so wrong for no one to love me. to treat me like crap. I can remember fights u and mel had. this shit haunts my dreams as what I thought was blocked out is coming back. it all comes back as i go crazier. I can remember the look on ur face when the dr said I was pregnant and even the look of relief after my abortion. I am still hurting behind that did u know that. no one does cuz im the village idiot with no sense. for years I listened to u and smitty make jokes, I laughed but i was hurting. I did not ask to be born or to suffer from depression that was from the drugs yall did before i was conceived. i am tired of being the butt of jokes. foster care screwed me up. u have NO IDEA of the things i went through. I hate my life and wish you had not have had me. that u had had that abortion u used to talk about u should have had. growing up knowing that u despised me was FUN! cursing me out and then saying ur sorry, even more fun. when u got better with ur 12 steps what about us? what about me. Im not better . Im not healed. where are the steps for all the crap I have had to endure?

the first step for me to to say goodbye to eveyone who has cause me pain, mommi I love u but i cant have u be a part of my life because it hurts too much. my daughter is going into a group home in a few weeks and whats the point of being married, there is not one person in my family who is married and working things out so y should i. I give up! the devil has won.

It is finished





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